|
Last night, I had a dream that some of my friends each corrected me as they watched me do different tasks. They each told me that whatever I was doing, I was doing it wrong. They then showed me how to do it better or told me that they would do it for me, implying that they could do it better than me. I stubbornly refused to do it their way, and proceeded to do it my own way, angered by their correction.
This year has been weird with God. I have struggled with not believing God. I know He exists, but wondering all along the way where He was. I wondered why He wasn't answering me as I made decisions and wondering why I felt so alone. I started to blame myself, thinking that it was because I was too thick to hear Him; imagining that the answer was directly in front of my face as I stubbornly looked past it, whether it was my unwillingness to accept it or just my stupidity that missed it.
One of the things that has bothered me the most is my interaction with people. I find myself lately wanting to stay home instead of going out and doing things. I'm tired of the advice that people may want to give me. I know their intentions are good, well, most of the time, but I am learning to go with my gut-feeling. I think of some of the advice I've given to friends recently, but now seeing how I didn't know what was best for them. I gave the advice, thinking that it would be helpful, when really, they just needed to decide for themself what they were going to do.
It's funny that the people who are the first to tell you you aren't one way, are the first to prove to you that you are. I am frustrated with myself and saddened by how I become so defensive when I can see people questioning me. I want to prove to them that they don't know my motivations, and show them that whatever it is that they are accusing me of is not valid. Instead, I wish that I would consider what they say quietly rather than be so quick to speak, and know in my own heart if what they say is true or not. I don't want to feel that I have to prove anything to anyone. It's just out of my pride that I feel I do. People are always going to say hurtful things, but tonight, I am comforted, completely comforted in the fact that I have a God who loves me. I have a God who does not condemn me, but who loves me even when I'm wrong.
I wondered if God was angry at me; if He turned His face from me in my rebellion and stubborness. After wondering where He's been, I see that He's been here all along with me. I am so thankful that God has been comforting me through His word as well as my circumstances.
"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death." - Romans 8:1
"'Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,' says the Lord, who has compassion on you." - Isaiah 54:10
|
